What Hurts the Most
by New Decade
Summary: So many opportunities, so many times she could have told him. Now she never will and he'll never know...what if he didn't make it?


I was going to post this before last night's episode, but it wasn't quite done. But last night's episode was awesome!

Anyway, this fic came a bit late but better late than never. It's a not-so-happy ending for 8.01, inspired by the lyrics of "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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Silence is like a bass guitar, it's so loud but at the same time so subtle. You can barely hear it in your music, but you know that it is it that makes the whole room vibrate with every pluck on the metallic string. That's the kind of silence Calleigh met when she stumbled into her house that night, saltwater staining her face. Calleigh hadn't cried this much in years, but in one day she had made up for all those years of clear eyes and cheeks clear of all mascara creating black streaks on her face. But the tears hadn't stopped all afternoon and what good would it do to stop them now?

Was it going to rewind the day's events? No. Was it going to make everything okay? No. Would it make Eric come back to life? No. So Calleigh saw no point halting the tears as they ran down her face that fell almost as fast as the rain outside, a hole being dug in her heart with each tear that fell.

Rain.

"_It's beautiful," Calleigh had whispered one evening as they stood out on the porch, protected from the rain as it hit the pavement. The smell of wet grass and cool air illuminated her senses, accompanied by the echoing as it hit the roof over the patio, made this very peaceful. Everything seemed to fit perfectly together in harmony somehow. _

"_I've seen better," Eric shrugged, tightening his arms around her waist and pulling her deeper into him. "I've seen you," he whispered as he kissed her hair._

With a shaky hand, Calleigh lifted her hand to where he had laid his lips. Calleigh didn't know what she had been searching for, but she didn't find it. She was probably praying that Eric's lips and the rest of him were there. Calleigh dropped her hand as she began to close all the blinds in her house, not wanting to look at the rain; it only held memories of him. Everything in this house held memories of him, she realized as another sob escaped her and she collapsed onto the bed, still fully clothed.

Damn it, even this bed held memories, some of the most powerful. She thought of all those nights of intimacy and passion, nights that she would always cherish. She curled up on the side of the bed she always slept on and grabbed the pillow from Eric's side and buried her face in it. It still had his smell and Calleigh knew that this was the only live sense she would ever have left of Eric.

She would never see him smile again when she saw him.

She would never hear his voice when she awoke.

She would never taste him on her lips as they kissed.

She would never touch his warm skin as he held her.

This pillow was the only physical memory left and Calleigh held it close as the rain, and her tears, flooded her mind.

A week later and the funeral was to be held in an hour. Calleigh took a final look in herself in the mirror. The last time she had worn this ensemble was to Speedle's funeral a few years ago and now she was wearing it to Eric's. Calleigh found it a bit ironic that both services she wore this to had some regret piggybacked onto it. Calleigh remembered being a bit hard on Speedle a few hours before he died and those were the last moments she had shared with him…hard ones. Now, she was wearing this to Eric's, his funeral that wouldn't be if she had never pulled that trigger. Everyone said that it was just a huge accident, but Calleigh knew the truth. She had killed Eric.

"_Calleigh, it was the fragment in his brain that shifted, you didn't hit him," Alexx had tried to reassure her when Calleigh burst out into tears in the hospital hallway._

"_And what if I caused the trauma that caused it to shift, Alexx?!" Calleigh cried out._

_Alexx had no answer._

Calleigh knew she looked like a ghost, her hair and skin was pale, with the exception of the circles beginning to form under her eyes. Honestly, she didn't care.

She pulled up to the church and walked into the church. No one was sitting in the pews, but they were talking before the ceremony began. Calleigh recognized most of the tear stained faces from work. Some of them were from Eric's family and some friends from college or something. But the only thing Calleigh really noticed was the wooden casket at the end of the aisle. Her heart tightened and her feet started moving, mechanically, towards it.

No one paid her mind, though she probably wouldn't notice if they did, as she ran her hands over the smooth wooden surface, slowly tracing the lines in the cherry. The tears instantly began to flood out of her eyes as she realized that the love of her life was a few inches, give or take, away from her.

Calleigh kept thinking, if she hadn't done it, that they could be relaxing together on the lazy Sunday afternoon. But instead she was saying her final goodbyes.

Calleigh tried to hold in the sob threatening to break free as she pressed her lips to the wooden surface of his coffin, the coffin she had nailed.

"I love you," she whispered, the first time she had ever told him so. "I'm so sorry."

Calleigh knew she would probably regret the following decision a few years, or hours, down the road, but she turned on her heel and left the church. She knew her limits and knew she wouldn't be able to stand and watch as the put Eric in the ground.

Calleigh drove away from the church, not once looking back. A thick mass of tree's surrounded the dirt road she was driving on. But Calleigh didn't see the green of the leaves, nor the light brown on the road; she only saw the wooden coffin that held his lifeless body.

Calleigh felt the stinging in her eyes that would have been tears, had her eyes not become dehydrated from all the nights she had spent crying herself to sleep. Her chest felt as though a cinder block had been placed on top of it and was crushing her lungs. The whole in her heart was growing as the images of Eric and the casket refused to be removed from her mind, despite her attempts to block them out.

Knowing that she wasn't going to be able to focus on the road in front of her, Calleigh pulled her car over and let her head rest against the back of the seat, closing her eyes. As her eyelids brought her into darkness, she succumbed to the fact that she was a mess. She had yet to return to work, due to the investigation into Eric's death IAB was conducting, so she had been stuck in her house with Eric's memory surrounding her. Some of his belongings were still at her house, still lying where he had left them. Calleigh couldn't find it in her heart to move them.

The sad thing was, Calleigh had been certain she was starting to heal, she had almost found herself believing that she was going to be okay. Was she close to getting over Eric? No, but she thought she was getting closer to getting a hold on her life, again. But she had seen the casket and had whispered her love to Eric through the cherry wood. She knew now, that she was not even close to getting a hold of this.

There was the sudden firing of multiple rifles in the distance, which made Calleigh snap her head up and her eyes fly open. Another round of gunfire was heard and Calleigh knew they were shooting those guns for Eric. She knew he was being putting in the soil, never to see the sun again. She also knew that, with each gun that was fired, a thousand bullets were being shot through the gaping hole in her chest. A thousand bullets fired, and a thousand regrets that could never be fixed. She deserved the pain she was feeling now, she knew that was a fact, but she couldn't do anything to change the past.

The shots fired again and Calleigh put her fists on the top of the steering wheel before setting her head against them. Tearless cries and unbearable heartbreak shook her body.

Calleigh knew this pain of loss would eventually pass, but the pain of regret would linger forever.

Regret was a creature, a viscous one, which Calleigh had come to know too well. Whether it was regretting not being kinder to Speedle before he died, not seeing how desperate Hagen was to find an escape from his crazy life or pulling that trigger that terrible day, regret was everywhere. But that was regret of what she _could _have done, not what she _should _have done. And she should have told Eric how much she loved him, how much she cared for him…and now she was too late.

She had so many opportunities, so many times she could have told him, but she had passed every single one of them up. She could have told him that night under the porch as they watched the rain, all those nights in bed together, God, she could have told him that morning, at least then he would have died knowing that this wasn't just another relationship for her.

And that was the truth of it all, the most painful part for Calleigh. Calleigh's waning sanity told her that, in time, she would grasp that shooting at Eric was just a terrible accident. That time would probably not come for months, possibly years, but one day it shall come. However, Calleigh didn't think she would ever move on from never telling him the truth.

The shots had long since ceased and Calleigh knew the ceremony would soon be over. She didn't need everyone seeing her broken on the side of the road. She took in a deep breath and released it before picking up her head and making her way back down the road.

Calleigh wasn't exactly sure what had happened, but she somehow ended back at her house. What she did know, as she slid out of her dress and into something comfortable, was that her mind was wheeling with questions that were almost too painful to consider. But Calleigh highly doubted that she could feel any worse, so she just dived into the pool of unanswered questions.

What if she had never pulled the trigger?

What if she had told him how important he was to her?

What if she had discovered her feelings for him sooner?

What if she had given him her number on the first day?

What if she had told him she was in love with him and would always be?

The multiple 'what ifs' came into her mind faster than she would have thought her tired mind could be able to process.

All these questions she had one answer for: I don't know. She would never know how things would have played out if he were still alive or if they had made different decisions in the past.

They had been happy as one; they just seemed to flow into one another so naturally, their lips always molded together into a perfect kiss every time. However, even though they had spoken so many words to each other, and had shown love in so many ways, the most important words they need to say to each other would never spoken.

With those uneasy thoughts in her mind, Calleigh climbed onto her side of the bed. She didn't care if it was early afternoon, she needed time to escape this pain and sleeping seemed to be the only way to do that these days.

* * *

Calleigh had just finished talking to Stetler at MDPD; the first time she had been back there since the day her whole world was torn away from her. The investigation had been closed and she wasn't getting the blame for Eric's death, at least in the lawful sense, meaning she was allowed to come back to work. The prospect of returning wasn't very thrilling. The lab, like her home, reminded her of Eric and all the thoughts that came in tow. She seemed to be seeing Eric everywhere. The post office, the store, in traffic and anywhere else she went and, for the most part, Calleigh would be able to shake it off in places as such. But at home and the lab, where so much had happened between them, it wasn't so easy.

Just walking through CSI right now was harder than she had expected it to be. In every single lab she could think of a moment, or even moments, they had shared.

There were over ten years of memories in this building she was now walking through, making a beeline for the elevator, and that was enough without the looks she was now getting. She looked through the glass wall into the fingerprint lab to see Natalia and Ryan looking a hit they just got in AFIS, but as she passed they looked up. At first, they were taken aback by her sudden appearance, but their expressions quickly turned sympathetic. Calleigh knew how she must have looked to them…damaged, heart broken, guilt ridden and broken, all things they weren't used to seeing in Calleigh.

But Calleigh also saw a hint of loss in their eyes, the loss of a great CSI and an even greater friend, and she couldn't help but wonder if they too blamed her for Eric's death. She couldn't look at them any longer; she turned her head towards the elevator and continued towards it. She pressed the button and waited for the elevator to come up.

But the second the doors opened, she wished that they would close again. Horatio was standing right in front of her.

He had been such a good friend to her all these years and now she was afraid to look at him. She knew that Horatio was a fair man, but she was worried, for she knew that if anyone were to be upset with her, it would more than likely be him. Eric and Horatio had been through so much together, especially with Marisol, and Calleigh knew that losing Eric, to Horatio, might have been like losing his brother all over again. She continued to look at her shoes until…

"Calleigh?" Horatio asked, gently, so gently that she couldn't help but look up. In his blue eyes, there was no anger or judging, just sympathy. "I…um, heard Rick let you keep your job."

Calleigh felt her throat getting tight and knew there was no way sound would be able to find it's way out, so she just nodded and smiled a very forced smile, which felt wrong on her face.

Horatio nodded back, the two were silent for a moment.

"How are you holding up?" Horatio asked her, softly.

Calleigh swallowed the lump in her throat and able to breathe, "I'm trying…you?" her voice breaking on the last word.

"Same here," he replied, his voice rough.

Suddenly, Calleigh's dried eyes became illuminated by the moisture that had been absent for many days now. Figures the tears would come back at the most inappropriate time.

Before either of them knew what was happening, they were holding each other in a comforting hug, the same they held each other in when they lost Speed.

This had been the first time Calleigh had excepted any comfort from anybody since the incident and, she had the feeling, this was the first time Horatio had done so. They let each other carry the other burden, in hopes of making the other one a bit less mournful and their day a bit easier. But Calleigh could only take this so long, after all, she wasn't entirely sure she deserved this from Horatio, no matter how understanding he was.

The pulled back as the elevator doors opened again, neither had realized they had shut the first time.

"You hang in there," he whispered to Calleigh.

"You too," Calleigh nodded.

Calleigh then loaded the elevator. She hit the button to the lobby, she wasn't due to come back to work until the following morning, and the elevator doors started to close. Horatio and Calleigh shared a sad, painful, glance before the silver doors separated the two.

Calleigh closed her eyes as the elevator took her down, for all she knew it was taking her deeper into hell than she already was.

The next morning came around sooner than Calleigh would have liked; she knew she wasn't ready to go back to work. But she also knew that if she didn't start moving on now, she probably never would. That thought was the only thing that made her get out of bed.

Calleigh knew she wouldn't be able to control all the factors of work today and that many of them were going to remind her of Eric, it was going to be impossible to totally avoid his memory today. But she could make it a bit easier on herself by shedding anything on her person that reminded her of Eric.

She dug through her closest in an attempt to find something that Eric had nothing to do with. She searched and searched, but everything seemed to remind her of Eric. Whether it held some memory of Eric or he had told her she had looked beautiful wearing it. This was defiantly not helping her goal.

Giving up, she just slid on a long sleeve shirt, the first thing she grabbed, some black pants and her heels. She didn't bother to look and see how the random choosing looked, it didn't matter to her and it shouldn't matter to anyone else.

She did, however, look herself in the eye as she gazed in the mirror.

"You can do this," she told herself. "It's part of moving on…and you can do this."

With those words in her mind and a heavy heart to contradict them, Calleigh grabbed her keys and left her house behind.

If you have ever lost someone important to you and then stepped out into the world, in hopes of moving on, then encountered something that reminded you so much of that person, you would know how Calleigh felt when she came back that evening.

Irony was so cruel; this day had been so cruel. Calleigh moved numbly through her house as she let the events sink in. What were, honestly, the odds that the day she would return was the day they would have to investigate the death of a therapist? This was defiantly a cruel and unusual punishment.

All day, Calleigh had seen what Dr. Marsh had written during one session with Eric. His words had made their way from the paper into her heart, which was somehow finding new ways to break.

"_Made me think about my future, settling down," _the words were written clearly on the page. _"Be nice if it were Calleigh."_

She had needed all she needed to know, so what had stopped them from taking that step? There job? The Russian Mob? Sure, there were challenges, but they could have gotten passed them.

Calleigh wished she could have gone back to that day she had read his file and told him the whole truth. Calleigh knew the whole time, deep inside, that she wanted the same things with Eric but just didn't grasp the opportunity.

Would it have really been so hard to tell him? Maybe, then, they would have gained something instead of losing.

But then Calleigh thought about if they had gotten married, would things be any different? Would he still be alive or would she be sitting here feeling guilty about the death of her husband? That, like so many things, she would never know. The future had been once filled with countless possibilities, even if she didn't realize that when she could've, but she now felt her chance at a future was gone without him.

But she couldn't resist wondering what may have happened if she had told him and she never shot at the car. Would they have been married? If they did, where would they have it? Would it have been church, courthouse or somewhere else? Would everyone they know attend or just a few certain people?

And she also wondered passed their could-have-been wedding, she had known Eric had wanted children someday. Calleigh knew that she, too, wanted to have children if she had ever found somebody. If they had children, how many would they have? Would they get his dark brown eyes or her emerald green ones? Light skin or dark? Tall like him or a bit on the short side like her? Black or blonde hair?

Calleigh stopped herself, she was picturing a wedding that would never happen and children that could never be conceived. Eric was gone…for good. It didn't matter how many times she prayed to God or how many times she cursed herself, nothing could change the fact he was dead.

Calleigh put her purse down on her vanity and when she did she heard the cluck of an object inside, her gun. Not thinking, Calleigh pulled the forty-five out of her bag and examined it. She laid the barrel in the palm of her hand as she caressed the handle in the other. She thought about how easy it would have been just to pull the trigger of this gun and end this whole thing; all anguish, all guilt. She picked it up and just smoothed her fingers across the silver of the gun, her mind thinking dangerous thoughts, the thoughts she swore never to think, but suddenly, her principles didn't matter anymore.

"Don't," a voice breathed behind her.

Her breath became trapped in her throat. She knew that voice; it was the voice she would have given anything to hear. She slowly turned around; expecting to see nothing, thinking her mind may have finally started playing those evil tricks on her. Instead, there was Eric, exactly the same as she remembered him. Everything from his build to his eyes were exactly the same, too real. Calleigh knew, for defiant, her memory was just being cruel.

"I'm dreaming," Calleigh concluded, not a doubt in her mind.

"More or less," he nodded, taking a step towards her.

She didn't want to decipher what that meant, what she did know was that this was the perfect copy of Eric and she wanted to cherish it, even if it was an illusion of her wounded heart.

He put his hand over hers, she was shocked to feel that his hand was warm and exactly how it felt when he was alive.

"Put the gun down, Calleigh," Eric whispered.

Calleigh looked at their hands and then his eyes. She released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding and turned to put the gun down on the wood of the vanity, her gaze never leaving his, in fear that she'd lose him.

"I'm sorry," she choked out through her tight throat, she knew he would understand what she meant.

"No," Eric shook his head, placing his hand to her cheek. "It wasn't your fault."

Calleigh felt her eyes well up with tears as she leaned into Eric's palm.

"I pulled the -."

"I was the one in the car and I shouldn't have been," Eric reassured her. He put his other hand against her face and rested his forehead against hers. "Never blame yourself, okay?" he whispered, his warm breath heating her cold skin.

Calleigh, for some strange reason, felt some of herself relax. She had gotten the one thing no one else but him could give her, his reassurance and, in a way, his forgiveness.

She nodded as a few more tears escaped; he lifted his head and brushed the tears away with his thumbs.

Even if the were a dream, or something like it, Calleigh couldn't miss this window of opportunity to tell him the truth that she never thought she chance to do.

"I love you," she whispered, placing her hands on his chest. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you that sooner."

"I knew, I always knew…and I love you, too. But I think you already knew that," he smiled.

Calleigh looked into his dark, loving, eyes and knew he was right. By the way he had spoke to her in the past and the way he touched her, what other emotions could have been in his heart? And the same for Calleigh, with all of the times she looked at him, smiled at him and held him, what other conclusion could he draw other than the fact she loved him.

He dropped his hands, which made Calleigh grip onto his shirt. Eric smiled that breathtaking smile she had grown accustomed to, but never grew tired of. Eric pulled something out of on of his jacket pockets. Calleigh knew what it was the second she saw it, the sliver chain and the silver cross that hung on it. It was the crucifix, the one she had set in his hand when he was shot. She prayed that God would watch over him in his time of need. Eric now took one of Calleigh's hands, his touch making one of her hands release his shirt, and softly, with the hand holding the necklace, put the cross in her hand before gently following it with the chain. Calleigh knew he was copying the same movements she had made in the hospital and a sad smile hinted on her lips, the first genuine smile that had been on her face in a long time.

He gently made her hand fold over the necklace with both his hands

"You need this more than I do," he whispered, hands still holding hers.

She laughed, weakly.

They held each other's gaze, intensity building, before Eric reached up to move a few locks of hair behind her ear. Before Calleigh could control herself, she put her lips against Eric's. His lips were warm as he kissed her back and, for the first time in weeks, Calleigh felt alive. Her heart was pumping harder and she became more alert, it was an amazing feeling. So many thoughts and so many questions she wanted to speak aloud to him, but she didn't want to ruin this…which was sure to be their final moment.

Eric's lips caressed hers and she started to snake her arms around his torso, the same time he placed his hands on her waist. Calleigh blinked her eyes for one moment.

When she opened them again, she was looking at her bedroom ceiling. She bolted up in her bed and glanced, frantically, around the room. She had felt like the wind had just been knocked out of her. He had been just here; there was no way he could have vanished so quickly.

"Eric?" she called out into the darkness. Her clock read one-thirty in the morning, she looked down and she was still in her work clothes. She finally realized that it was just a dream.

Calleigh began to sob, she had had Eric back for too short a moment.

Both her hands clenched into fists, Calleigh let the tears run freely down her cheeks and was beside herself with sobs. She felt like she was losing him all over again.

But, even though he was gone, she knew that the Eric last night had spoke the truth. She knew Eric loved her and he knew she loved him, she loved him more than she loved anybody else she had ever known. She knew Eric would be a wound that would never fully heal, but she would soon be able to live with it. Eric wouldn't want her to be living like this, that much she was certain, and he would want her to find away to move on with her life. She knew it wasn't going to be easy, but she could do it.

The final tears ended, droplets of water resting on her cheeks.

Calleigh then realized, as she reached up to wipe them away, that something was in her palm. Confused, she uncurled her fingers and there laid the crucifix.

* * *

Sorry for killing Eric, but I hope you liked this anyway.


End file.
